Clear eyes. Full hearts. CAN'T LOSE.

+ VS -

Sometimes people are so blinded by the negative in their lives that they overlook all of the positives (how cliche of me, I know). I completely understand having those moments where it’s just..hard and seems like the world is beating down on you. By all means, cry, vent, scream. Do what you gotta do. That’s normal. When everything irritates you or causes you to project hate and/bitterness on a daily basis, that’s when you need to realize what you have. Something bad (on a small scale) may have happened to you, yes, but what good will it do to dwell on how much you hate everything because of it? Do something that makes you happy. Appreciate the people around you and the things you have. Whether it be tomorrow or years from now, something in your life will make you realize what’s truly important. For some, I hope that day is tomorrow.

Restraints

“Restraints” funny.. when restraints are put on something, it could be for the reason to keep that something in check. That’s acceptable. Putting restraints on a person is a whole different story.

Vent session.

Lyme disease is difficult, unpredictable, disruptive, and..a bitch to say the very least. I’m not one to complain about this for many reasons, but there has always been this one thing that just..kills me. 

I know that the people you love and those who love you have only your best interest in mind. It’s a great feeling to have friends and family who do that. I’m beyond grateful for the the ones in my life. As much as I feel for them when I’m sick, they need to know I can do other things. I realize “technically” I’m sick all the time since there’s no cure (yet), but I don’t show symptoms when I’m feeling well (obviously).

I know I need to be more careful than the average person and that I have a lot more to worry about, but does that mean I have to live my life in fear? No. I would never do that. I miss out on enough when I’m sick. Why does it have to continue into the only time I have to enjoy myself?

I’m almost used to missing out on things. Almost. I’m not saying it’s easy because it never is. I’m saying it has become a routine. A terrible one at that. I almost missed my high school graduation. That was a close call. Besides that, I’ve missed so many things that meant a lot to me, big and small. As hard as it was each and every time, it was SO much harder to miss those times with my friends/family. It was much more about the people and company I was missing out with.

Back to my point. Considering all of this, I feel like the time I have when I’m well is so special. I should do what I can, when I can. That’s how I feel, anyway. For me, this doesn’t mean ditch school and do whatever I want. I love learning. I want to be the best I can be but I also want to be allowed to enjoy other things in life-recreational, or otherwise. I know I may get a little too eager for the many, many things I want to do, but that’s only because I know what it’s like to lose it in seconds.

I wish that everyone could see it this way. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been put in a little box. Unable to do things and see things that other people can. And the only thing holding me back is the fact that I’m sick. I’m not saying life is fair and everyone should have all of the same opportunities That’s not how it works and I know it. I’m asking for these restraints on me to be cut or even loosened. I need some reassurance and confidence from my friends and family that despite this illness, I can do anything.

Each time I try to put all that into words, it never comes out the way I had hoped it would. Just know that I’m aware my friends and family believe in me enough to do anything, I do, but holding me back (even in small cases) out of fear won’t do me any good. I won’t fully be living. I’ll always be in that box.